You say you're moving on with your life.

Then fucking Start.

By not coming backwards.

Leave me the fuck alone.

I haven't deserved Any of this shit that you continue to give me.

I slept like a baby when you weren't beside me.

I'm ready to let this go now. Once and for all.

It's fucking My time.

Now.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

See...

The thing is...

I've got one hundred other people in my ear telling Me how great I am. How fantastic.

So why the fuck do I listen to You?

Why should Any of you get the best part of Me?

So you can destroy that as well? Go on. Call me a Fucked up Person.

One more time.

It'll be the last thing you ever get to say.

I'm not that unhappy. Why would I be?

I'm on drugs.

If you are right then I'm in denial.

The Meaning Of Life?

To keep going until you can't anymore.

I'm just a part of the pecking order. People throw me their scraps.

I'm not mental. I just think differently to You.

What I've neglected to tell you I'll keep to Myself from now on.

Am I really such a fuckwit that You'd leave me and say you'd call DOCS on me?

That my Mother and Sisters would back you up?

They're not saying that I'm fucked. They're saying that I am fucked for staying with you.

I should let you go. Once and for all.

You are no longer mine. I'm no longer yours.

Plan your life without me in it. You can't even go to the donut shop on your own.

You thought u=you hated me before? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Yesterday I thought you said you loved me.

Now I know how wrong I am. You can want Me back next time.

It's a fucking relief when you are gone.

You can hate me as long as you like but you won't see Little Son destitute and living poorly.

He's already better off with you gone.

I will undergo a lie detector test if I have to prove Everything I say is Truth.

I will sleep better tonight cos you're not here.

Zero you say can hurt Me anymore.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

The Bottom Line is...

I don't want somebody who doesn't want Me.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I believed you when you said you wouldn't lie to me again.

You didn't prove me wrong; everything I believed to be true and would happen; it has.

I've played the victim as long as I've known you; there are reasons why and you know

what they are because you largely caused them.

I don't need your fucking favours.

Or your invalid reasons and excuses.

You can shove them up your well-fucked arse.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I told you to think of this as a Second Chance.

And You told Me you were the one who keeps coming home to This...

Yet I wasn't the one who broke down and cried.

I won't chase after you.

Again...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I can't be fucked trying to change your mind about Me.

If I'm fucked; then I'm a Retard. Like you say.

So go on. Leave Me. Again ...

Whenever you're good and fucking ready.

You aren't doing me any favours by staying. I don't have to justify your jealousy.

You are the one who needs to sit down and think about your behaviour and motives. You are a control freak. Who's lost it.

Don't come back to my bed again. I don't fucking Need you. You haven't even tried to figure this shit out.

If it's all my fault then I'm sick of hearing it. Leave Me the fuck Alone.

You lose.

Loser.

I hope you wake up at 3.30 and can't sleep.

Find Independence at your Mother's house.

I'm only broke because I took little Son camping to the beach.

I'm not jealous of You; or anybody that you spend time with.

You mean shit. Compared to how I feel about our Kids.

I will leave you in an instant if you call me a Retard again.

I'm not fucked up but I'm better than You and you fucking KNOW it.

That's the only reason you have a problem with Me. Because I'm fucking smarter.

I can't educate you. I'm not a fucking teacher.

You either get it . Or you don't.

You don't believe me about how I feel. And worse; you don't fucking care when I tell you.

There's no hope left for Us. We will go around in fucking circles until you realise this.

Why can I talk to Mac and Twink about this and They get it?

And you don't?

Thanks for the memories. You are a fucking saint.

Do you want appreciation?

Then start fucking earning it.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

Seventeen years ago I went to a party and didn't go home.

Until today.

I've never been so sure that it is over.

This time.

It's for good.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

The more I pull away from you the less I want .

The more you pull away the more you want from me.

The more you pull the more I give.

I'm sick of giving it to you.

You don't deserve my love. Husband.

Not after the things you say.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I want You to find your way back to Me.

I don't care if it takes a week or a year.

I will love you Then, too.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I'm sorry I've not kept up well in the last few months; besides work this Shit has been all consuming.

It came to a head last Monday and it's final.

No more Me and Him.

Crazy hey?

Labels: Posted by Twisted

On some level I hope that He still loves Me.

Then he will know what it's like to be in love all by Himself.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I'm the one who makes this fucking house a Home.

You have never supported Me in anything I've done.

What's up?

Don't you like it when I point out Your inadequacies?

You nasty piece of work.

I don't need You. I never have.

All you've done for Me? Look around you, Hubby. I made it All happen.

You play no part in my game.

I didn't even give your surname to Our children because you've played so small a part.

You- You who've been So successful of late; that you feel justified to to rag me out about What and When I've done it.

Gall.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

Think of the amount of times You've hurt Me...

Then multiply it by five for the times you never even realised

Times that to the Power of Infinity and add seventeen for every year we've been together.

Take away the three apologies you've given Me over the years; I'm still waiting for all the others...

And Here We Are.

Yet again.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

It should be You on the lounge.

It's My bed.

You're the one who is dispensable...

Sweet Dreams Fuckface.

You can call Me a bitch if you like.

Nothing that you say hurts Me anymore.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

Being 'sad' is My only excuse for being drunk.

I do this because I Want to...

Absolutely I'll make love to You. You are my special. My only. I've had sex with other people but I've never loved any like I've loved You.

I don't pretend I've Not been here. You know I've been keeping away but I wish I had felt welcomed...

It's distressing and depressing to love You. But also strangely fulfilling. You must know how much I need you.

I Need You.

Can you hear the ludicrous nature of this?

How can You punish me for times we weren't even together? Surely what I did Then couldn't and shouldn't even enter our heads. Unless we are Soul-Mates angry at each other...

Some of that is good.

Have I ever been angry at Him for trusting the wrong person? He trusted her. I trusted my Bastard Ex. We were wrong.

Are you still in love with Her? Can I even ask you this?

You are still Her's in a way that you'll never be mine. You don't even give Me half of what you are.

I give you Me. Hurt me. Sad me. Depressed me. Angry me. Funny me. Loving me. Sarcastic me.

The Fuck you Me. Scared me.

From the ramblings of a Fucked-up-militant-bitch-of-a-whinger-hypocrite-lying-Mother-of-a-Husband.

I'm the Mother of a Husband.

Go figure...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

What's Your definition of Spite?

To Me- it's deliberate malice.

Hubby thinks I'm spiteful but I'm not malicious...

If I was malicious I'd spit in his dinner and smile as I gave it to him.

If I was malicious I'd cut holes in all his clothes or put them out in the rain.

If we were to split up it would be malicious of me to deny Him his children.

But I wouldn't do any of those things- hence; I'm NOT spiteful.

If I Choose not to eat dinner it's not spiteful. It doesn't hurt him in anyway.

Maybe I do want to hurt his feelings sometimes. Why not? He hurts mine. Sometimes he Really does.

And the worst thing is he says he doesn't mean it. How does that happen?

How can he hurt me accidentally- as opposed to on purpose?

Is it that He just disregards me? He says he doesn't mean to. Yet he does it again.

And again and again...

He says it's Thursday- and that's Why he is how he is.

Well; it's Thursday for Me, too.

And I am how I am...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

If I could go without it affecting Anyone I would do it. Always the Martyr I must suffer so as to spare other's pain.

I'd rather Not do it, I suppose, or I would...

That's a positive.

But I still Think about it...

And that's negative.

I'd be mortified if You knew. I'll never tell you the worst parts of Me and you'll never read them.

So I'm safe. For now.

Paranoid but Safe.

Fuck...

Shut your Twisted mind!

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I guess I'm writing because He misunderstood Me again tonight when I didn't want to drive him to cricket...

He doesn't even Ask me; He just Expects things.

Like the other night he Expected sex because he came home (eventually) even though I was sick and said No so he called Me a bitch in front of Littlest Son (after three hours of harassment).

Sometimes I feel like He just wants to show Me he loves me; but the rest of the time I feel like I may as well not even be there when we fuck. He could be doing it to Anyone...

I know I'm paranoid; I can't help it- but I only get the idea that he wants to be with other women from Him. I didn't imagine the name Marcie, did I? Or Kimmy? Or Sarah? Or Jayne? He's the one who tells Me about these girls and plant the doubts in my mind.

YOU make me paranoid, Hubby; even if you don't realise how or why- it doesn't matter. If you wouldn't mention it, it wouldn't hurt me. I wouldn't care that you have female friends except that You Don't have female friends. I wouldn't care except you tell me how well you get on with Marcie, how She is you're Friend- when you would never describe Me in the same way. Even though We're the one's who've been through so much together.

She's your friend. Not me. And that hurts my feelings.

I'm trying to hang onto You more than Anything else I've ever done. Even if I get it wrong sometimes I Always try.

And for all your speeches I reckon You can't say the same thing...

...because as I see it sometimes You just don't give a fuck about Me or the kids.

What makes it worse?

When You imply I do That more than you; when if you look inside Yourself you Know I care More about you than you've ever cared for Me.

I always have. I Always will.

Why can't I expect that from You...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

Justify being a Doormat.

Abused. A Victim.

A Perpetrator. A Predator.

It can be done...

That said- you can justify being a Bitch, a Drunk, a Hopeless Mother, a Failure, Hopeless. Anyone can justify themselves if they don't see the truth behind their actions.

Why they do the Things they do.

Even Paedophiles must do it. Wife-beaters. Alcoholics. Kids who won't eat their vegetables.

Husbands who won't listen when their wife is crying out...

You can justify why you feel hard done-by without having done Anything to ensure change. You can stay in the comfort zone where it's safe. If you can stand it. Even when it's Not safe. Even when you hate it. Even when you know it's the Last place you know you should be.

You stay.

And you stay...

Because you Know it.

It's familiar. It's easy- even when it's fucking hard.

I don't want to fail at This. But what's Worse? Failing Myself or failing my Kids?

Stupid Bitch...

Have I failed or has He? Haven't I tried my fucking Hardest? Don't I deny myself most of the time? Or do I just pretend or like to think that I have?

Just writing this Shit makes me feel worse. I haven't even said anything really.

Except for this...

We're both to blame.

Labels: Posted by Twisted

The only time I allow Myself to feel is when I'm pissed or stoned...

How can I take that away from Myself?

It's when I Almost let Myself be happy.

I'm dead without it. There's No other supplement.

I rule it. I choose it.

Or else I'd be different.

I mustn't want to be different After All.

I don't change Anything...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I've suddenly understood the meaning of the phrase "All men are arseholes"!

That may seem a generalisation- and okay; maybe it's not All men- just ninety nine percent of the ones who've fucked with Me...

And women can be bitches because they Have to be; most men just Are arseholes because they can't be anything But arseholes. I'm not a bitch Un-knowingly- I Know when I'm being bitchy- being an arsehole is just a way of life for one of these so-called 'men'.

They're not really 'men' like they think, either- hence the term 'a real man'.

Then again, if 'All men are arseholes' then a real man Is an arsehole. By definition.

The nice ones are just freaks of nature.

(NB I love most men I've met and know; just not the ones who fuck me up. So Don't take Me for a Man-Hater!)

Labels: Posted by Twisted