What's Your definition of Spite?

To Me- it's deliberate malice.

Hubby thinks I'm spiteful but I'm not malicious...

If I was malicious I'd spit in his dinner and smile as I gave it to him.

If I was malicious I'd cut holes in all his clothes or put them out in the rain.

If we were to split up it would be malicious of me to deny Him his children.

But I wouldn't do any of those things- hence; I'm NOT spiteful.

If I Choose not to eat dinner it's not spiteful. It doesn't hurt him in anyway.

Maybe I do want to hurt his feelings sometimes. Why not? He hurts mine. Sometimes he Really does.

And the worst thing is he says he doesn't mean it. How does that happen?

How can he hurt me accidentally- as opposed to on purpose?

Is it that He just disregards me? He says he doesn't mean to. Yet he does it again.

And again and again...

He says it's Thursday- and that's Why he is how he is.

Well; it's Thursday for Me, too.

And I am how I am...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

How cool is this! We have alcohol named after us......

Labels: Posted by Bitter

Is it possible for something to be hot and cold at the same time?

Many would answer “no. Hot is hot, and cold is cold, and it cannot be in between.” However, I disagree.

The top, right hand side of my toast is always black…charred…burnt beyond recognition. The middle bit is perfectly toasted. The bottom outer edges are always pale and doughy. My toast would never win a prize in the annual toast making contest…it wouldn’t even get a look-in. But I have accepted that I can’t expect miracles from the implements I own. I will never achieve perfection.

So yes…things can be hot and cold at the same time.

And you can love and hate someone at the same time, too. Or at least I can...

I, in a matter of hours…sometimes even minutes…can go from having a very real desire to plunge a knife into my husband’s chest, to having a desire to renew our wedding vows. There are times I have wanted to do both at once.

(What a thought? Looking into his eyes and saying “till death us do part, and then quite casually, slitting his throat?)

When I burn my toast, I still eat it. Ok, occasionally I may throw the top corner away, but it doesn’t ruin the rest of the toast. I still enjoy what’s left. It’s still edible. It’s still enjoyable. There are still places where the butter seeps through. And each new day is a challenge, not knowing what I’m gonna get.

And anyway. When you scrape the burnt bits into the bin enough times, it just becomes a part of the routine.

Labels: Posted by Bitter

If I could go without it affecting Anyone I would do it. Always the Martyr I must suffer so as to spare other's pain.

I'd rather Not do it, I suppose, or I would...

That's a positive.

But I still Think about it...

And that's negative.

I'd be mortified if You knew. I'll never tell you the worst parts of Me and you'll never read them.

So I'm safe. For now.

Paranoid but Safe.

Fuck...

Shut your Twisted mind!

Labels: Posted by Twisted

I guess I'm writing because He misunderstood Me again tonight when I didn't want to drive him to cricket...

He doesn't even Ask me; He just Expects things.

Like the other night he Expected sex because he came home (eventually) even though I was sick and said No so he called Me a bitch in front of Littlest Son (after three hours of harassment).

Sometimes I feel like He just wants to show Me he loves me; but the rest of the time I feel like I may as well not even be there when we fuck. He could be doing it to Anyone...

I know I'm paranoid; I can't help it- but I only get the idea that he wants to be with other women from Him. I didn't imagine the name Marcie, did I? Or Kimmy? Or Sarah? Or Jayne? He's the one who tells Me about these girls and plant the doubts in my mind.

YOU make me paranoid, Hubby; even if you don't realise how or why- it doesn't matter. If you wouldn't mention it, it wouldn't hurt me. I wouldn't care that you have female friends except that You Don't have female friends. I wouldn't care except you tell me how well you get on with Marcie, how She is you're Friend- when you would never describe Me in the same way. Even though We're the one's who've been through so much together.

She's your friend. Not me. And that hurts my feelings.

I'm trying to hang onto You more than Anything else I've ever done. Even if I get it wrong sometimes I Always try.

And for all your speeches I reckon You can't say the same thing...

...because as I see it sometimes You just don't give a fuck about Me or the kids.

What makes it worse?

When You imply I do That more than you; when if you look inside Yourself you Know I care More about you than you've ever cared for Me.

I always have. I Always will.

Why can't I expect that from You...

Labels: Posted by Twisted

We have been nominated for a thinking blogger award from the very talented, very thought provoking and very wise rn_buffoon.

Thank you kindly!

We shall display this in our sidebar as a constant reminder to ourselves and other like-minded (sometimes crazy, always hopeful, usually thoughtful, most times agitated, often contemplative and many times damned fucking irate) women, that if the angst (and the men) were to be removed from our lives, our thinking time would sadly disappear.

I'd like to raise a (very large) glass to thinking women everywhere.

Cheers!

Down it in one and let battle commence.

Labels: Posted by Bitter

Justify being a Doormat.

Abused. A Victim.

A Perpetrator. A Predator.

It can be done...

That said- you can justify being a Bitch, a Drunk, a Hopeless Mother, a Failure, Hopeless. Anyone can justify themselves if they don't see the truth behind their actions.

Why they do the Things they do.

Even Paedophiles must do it. Wife-beaters. Alcoholics. Kids who won't eat their vegetables.

Husbands who won't listen when their wife is crying out...

You can justify why you feel hard done-by without having done Anything to ensure change. You can stay in the comfort zone where it's safe. If you can stand it. Even when it's Not safe. Even when you hate it. Even when you know it's the Last place you know you should be.

You stay.

And you stay...

Because you Know it.

It's familiar. It's easy- even when it's fucking hard.

I don't want to fail at This. But what's Worse? Failing Myself or failing my Kids?

Stupid Bitch...

Have I failed or has He? Haven't I tried my fucking Hardest? Don't I deny myself most of the time? Or do I just pretend or like to think that I have?

Just writing this Shit makes me feel worse. I haven't even said anything really.

Except for this...

We're both to blame.

Labels: Posted by Twisted