Sting My Heart

It's My Time...

2008-05-07T23:06:00.003+01:00

You say you're moving on with your life.

Then fucking Start.

By not coming backwards.

Leave me the fuck alone.

I haven't deserved Any of this shit that you continue to give me.

I slept like a baby when you weren't beside me.

I'm ready to let this go now. Once and for all.

It's fucking My time.

Now.

Zero...

2008-04-18T11:26:00.005+01:00

See...

The thing is...

I've got one hundred other people in my ear telling Me how great I am. How fantastic.

So why the fuck do I listen to You?

Why should Any of you get the best part of Me?

So you can destroy that as well? Go on. Call me a Fucked up Person.

One more time.

It'll be the last thing you ever get to say.

I'm not that unhappy. Why would I be?

I'm on drugs.

If you are right then I'm in denial.

The Meaning Of Life?

To keep going until you can't anymore.

I'm just a part of the pecking order. People throw me their scraps.

I'm not mental. I just think differently to You.

What I've neglected to tell you I'll keep to Myself from now on.

Am I really such a fuckwit that You'd leave me and say you'd call DOCS on me?

That my Mother and Sisters would back you up?

They're not saying that I'm fucked. They're saying that I am fucked for staying with you.

I should let you go. Once and for all.

You are no longer mine. I'm no longer yours.

Plan your life without me in it. You can't even go to the donut shop on your own.

You thought u=you hated me before? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Yesterday I thought you said you loved me.

Now I know how wrong I am. You can want Me back next time.

It's a fucking relief when you are gone.

You can hate me as long as you like but you won't see Little Son destitute and living poorly.

He's already better off with you gone.

I will undergo a lie detector test if I have to prove Everything I say is Truth.

I will sleep better tonight cos you're not here.

Zero you say can hurt Me anymore.

Life Speaks...

2008-03-31T14:24:00.002+01:00

Life speaks to Me.

It tells me to hurry up and do something with my life.

If only to escape the one I have...

I don't know you. That's what makes me suspicious.

Who the hell are You to have forgotten Me?

The Bottom Line Is...

2008-02-14T02:45:00.001Z

The Bottom Line is...

I don't want somebody who doesn't want Me.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I believed you when you said you wouldn't lie to me again.

You didn't prove me wrong; everything I believed to be true and would happen; it has.

I've played the victim as long as I've known you; there are reasons why and you know

what they are because you largely caused them.

I don't need your fucking favours.

Or your invalid reasons and excuses.

You can shove them up your well-fucked arse.

Second Chance...

2008-01-29T11:17:00.000Z

I told you to think of this as a Second Chance.

And You told Me you were the one who keeps coming home to This...

Yet I wasn't the one who broke down and cried.

I won't chase after you.

Again...

Contrary To Belief...

2008-01-14T11:42:00.000Z

I can't be fucked trying to change your mind about Me.

If I'm fucked; then I'm a Retard. Like you say.

So go on. Leave Me. Again ...

Whenever you're good and fucking ready.

You aren't doing me any favours by staying. I don't have to justify your jealousy.

You are the one who needs to sit down and think about your behaviour and motives. You are a control freak. Who's lost it.

Don't come back to my bed again. I don't fucking Need you. You haven't even tried to figure this shit out.

If it's all my fault then I'm sick of hearing it. Leave Me the fuck Alone.

You lose.

Loser.

I hope you wake up at 3.30 and can't sleep.

Find Independence at your Mother's house.

I'm only broke because I took little Son camping to the beach.

I'm not jealous of You; or anybody that you spend time with.

You mean shit. Compared to how I feel about our Kids.

I will leave you in an instant if you call me a Retard again.

I'm not fucked up but I'm better than You and you fucking KNOW it.

That's the only reason you have a problem with Me. Because I'm fucking smarter.

I can't educate you. I'm not a fucking teacher.

You either get it . Or you don't.

You don't believe me about how I feel. And worse; you don't fucking care when I tell you.

There's no hope left for Us. We will go around in fucking circles until you realise this.

Why can I talk to Mac and Twink about this and They get it?

And you don't?

Thanks for the memories. You are a fucking saint.

Do you want appreciation?

Then start fucking earning it.

For Good...

2007-12-05T13:05:00.000Z

Seventeen years ago I went to a party and didn't go home.

Until today.

I've never been so sure that it is over.

This time.

It's for good.

You're The Ugliest Chick I've Ever Fucked...

2007-11-21T06:38:00.000Z

The more I pull away from you the less I want .

The more you pull away the more you want from me.

The more you pull the more I give.

I'm sick of giving it to you.

You don't deserve my love. Husband.

Not after the things you say.

I Will Love You Then...

2007-10-31T23:12:00.001Z

I want You to find your way back to Me.

I don't care if it takes a week or a year.

I will love you Then, too.

This Shit...No More.

2007-10-25T14:39:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry I've not kept up well in the last few months; besides work this Shit has been all consuming.

It came to a head last Monday and it's final.

No more Me and Him.

Crazy hey?

All By Himself...

2007-10-14T23:45:00.000+01:00

On some level I hope that He still loves Me.

Then he will know what it's like to be in love all by Himself.

Nasty Piece Of Work...

2007-09-12T23:31:00.000+01:00

I'm the one who makes this fucking house a Home.

You have never supported Me in anything I've done.

What's up?

Don't you like it when I point out Your inadequacies?

You nasty piece of work.

I don't need You. I never have.

All you've done for Me? Look around you, Hubby. I made it All happen.

You play no part in my game.

I didn't even give your surname to Our children because you've played so small a part.

You- You who've been So successful of late; that you feel justified to to rag me out about What and When I've done it.

Gall.

Yet Again...

2007-08-10T14:42:00.000+01:00

Think of the amount of times You've hurt Me...

Then multiply it by five for the times you never even realised

Times that to the Power of Infinity and add seventeen for every year we've been together.

Take away the three apologies you've given Me over the years; I'm still waiting for all the others...

And Here We Are.

Yet again.

Sweet Dreams Fuckface...

2007-06-28T01:02:00.000+01:00

It should be You on the lounge.

It's My bed.

You're the one who is dispensable...

Sweet Dreams Fuckface.

You can call Me a bitch if you like.

Nothing that you say hurts Me anymore.

I Give You Me...

2007-06-22T00:27:00.000+01:00

Being 'sad' is My only excuse for being drunk.

I do this because I Want to...

Absolutely I'll make love to You. You are my special. My only. I've had sex with other people but I've never loved any like I've loved You.

I don't pretend I've Not been here. You know I've been keeping away but I wish I had felt welcomed...

It's distressing and depressing to love You. But also strangely fulfilling. You must know how much I need you.

I Need You.

Can you hear the ludicrous nature of this?

How can You punish me for times we weren't even together? Surely what I did Then couldn't and shouldn't even enter our heads. Unless we are Soul-Mates angry at each other...

Some of that is good.

Have I ever been angry at Him for trusting the wrong person? He trusted her. I trusted my Bastard Ex. We were wrong.

Are you still in love with Her? Can I even ask you this?

You are still Her's in a way that you'll never be mine. You don't even give Me half of what you are.

I give you Me. Hurt me. Sad me. Depressed me. Angry me. Funny me. Loving me. Sarcastic me.

The Fuck you Me. Scared me.

From the ramblings of a Fucked-up-militant-bitch-of-a-whinger-hypocrite-lying-Mother-of-a-Husband.

I'm the Mother of a Husband.

Go figure...

Sugar And Spite...

2007-05-30T22:47:00.000+01:00

What's Your definition of Spite?

To Me- it's deliberate malice.

Hubby thinks I'm spiteful but I'm not malicious...

If I was malicious I'd spit in his dinner and smile as I gave it to him.

If I was malicious I'd cut holes in all his clothes or put them out in the rain.

If we were to split up it would be malicious of me to deny Him his children.

But I wouldn't do any of those things- hence; I'm NOT spiteful.

If I Choose not to eat dinner it's not spiteful. It doesn't hurt him in anyway.

Maybe I do want to hurt his feelings sometimes. Why not? He hurts mine. Sometimes he Really does.

And the worst thing is he says he doesn't mean it. How does that happen?

How can he hurt me accidentally- as opposed to on purpose?

Is it that He just disregards me? He says he doesn't mean to. Yet he does it again.

And again and again...

He says it's Thursday- and that's Why he is how he is.

Well; it's Thursday for Me, too.

And I am how I am...

WoW!

2007-05-30T14:11:00.001+01:00

How cool is this! We have alcohol named after us......

Toast

2007-05-28T07:26:00.000+01:00

Is it possible for something to be hot and cold at the same time?

Many would answer “no. Hot is hot, and cold is cold, and it cannot be in between.” However, I disagree.

The top, right hand side of my toast is always black…charred…burnt beyond recognition. The middle bit is perfectly toasted. The bottom outer edges are always pale and doughy. My toast would never win a prize in the annual toast making contest…it wouldn’t even get a look-in. But I have accepted that I can’t expect miracles from the implements I own. I will never achieve perfection.

So yes…things can be hot and cold at the same time.

And you can love and hate someone at the same time, too. Or at least I can...

I, in a matter of hours…sometimes even minutes…can go from having a very real desire to plunge a knife into my husband’s chest, to having a desire to renew our wedding vows. There are times I have wanted to do both at once.

(What a thought? Looking into his eyes and saying “till death us do part, and then quite casually, slitting his throat?)

When I burn my toast, I still eat it. Ok, occasionally I may throw the top corner away, but it doesn’t ruin the rest of the toast. I still enjoy what’s left. It’s still edible. It’s still enjoyable. There are still places where the butter seeps through. And each new day is a challenge, not knowing what I’m gonna get.

And anyway. When you scrape the burnt bits into the bin enough times, it just becomes a part of the routine.

Paranoid But Safe...

2007-05-15T23:08:00.000+01:00

If I could go without it affecting Anyone I would do it. Always the Martyr I must suffer so as to spare other's pain.

I'd rather Not do it, I suppose, or I would...

That's a positive.

But I still Think about it...

And that's negative.

I'd be mortified if You knew. I'll never tell you the worst parts of Me and you'll never read them.

So I'm safe. For now.

Paranoid but Safe.

Fuck...

Shut your Twisted mind!

Great Expectations...

2007-05-14T22:49:00.000+01:00

I guess I'm writing because He misunderstood Me again tonight when I didn't want to drive him to cricket...

He doesn't even Ask me; He just Expects things.

Like the other night he Expected sex because he came home (eventually) even though I was sick and said No so he called Me a bitch in front of Littlest Son (after three hours of harassment).

Sometimes I feel like He just wants to show Me he loves me; but the rest of the time I feel like I may as well not even be there when we fuck. He could be doing it to Anyone...

I know I'm paranoid; I can't help it- but I only get the idea that he wants to be with other women from Him. I didn't imagine the name Marcie, did I? Or Kimmy? Or Sarah? Or Jayne? He's the one who tells Me about these girls and plant the doubts in my mind.

YOU make me paranoid, Hubby; even if you don't realise how or why- it doesn't matter. If you wouldn't mention it, it wouldn't hurt me. I wouldn't care that you have female friends except that You Don't have female friends. I wouldn't care except you tell me how well you get on with Marcie, how She is you're Friend- when you would never describe Me in the same way. Even though We're the one's who've been through so much together.

She's your friend. Not me. And that hurts my feelings.

I'm trying to hang onto You more than Anything else I've ever done. Even if I get it wrong sometimes I Always try.

And for all your speeches I reckon You can't say the same thing...

...because as I see it sometimes You just don't give a fuck about Me or the kids.

What makes it worse?

When You imply I do That more than you; when if you look inside Yourself you Know I care More about you than you've ever cared for Me.

I always have. I Always will.

Why can't I expect that from You...

Thinking Blogger Award

2007-05-12T14:40:00.000+01:00

We have been nominated for a thinking blogger award from the very talented, very thought provoking and very wise rn_buffoon.

Thank you kindly!

We shall display this in our sidebar as a constant reminder to ourselves and other like-minded (sometimes crazy, always hopeful, usually thoughtful, most times agitated, often contemplative and many times damned fucking irate) women, that if the angst (and the men) were to be removed from our lives, our thinking time would sadly disappear.

I'd like to raise a (very large) glass to thinking women everywhere.

Cheers!

Down it in one and let battle commence.

The Comfort Zone...

2007-05-09T22:42:00.000+01:00

Justify being a Doormat.

Abused. A Victim.

A Perpetrator. A Predator.

It can be done...

That said- you can justify being a Bitch, a Drunk, a Hopeless Mother, a Failure, Hopeless. Anyone can justify themselves if they don't see the truth behind their actions.

Why they do the Things they do.

Even Paedophiles must do it. Wife-beaters. Alcoholics. Kids who won't eat their vegetables.

Husbands who won't listen when their wife is crying out...

You can justify why you feel hard done-by without having done Anything to ensure change. You can stay in the comfort zone where it's safe. If you can stand it. Even when it's Not safe. Even when you hate it. Even when you know it's the Last place you know you should be.

You stay.

And you stay...

Because you Know it.

It's familiar. It's easy- even when it's fucking hard.

I don't want to fail at This. But what's Worse? Failing Myself or failing my Kids?

Stupid Bitch...

Have I failed or has He? Haven't I tried my fucking Hardest? Don't I deny myself most of the time? Or do I just pretend or like to think that I have?

Just writing this Shit makes me feel worse. I haven't even said anything really.

Except for this...

We're both to blame.

Just Being Myself...

2007-04-24T15:37:00.000+01:00

The only time I allow Myself to feel is when I'm pissed or stoned...

How can I take that away from Myself?

It's when I Almost let Myself be happy.

I'm dead without it. There's No other supplement.

I rule it. I choose it.

Or else I'd be different.

I mustn't want to be different After All.

I don't change Anything...

Freaks Of Nature...

2007-04-18T13:48:00.000+01:00

I've suddenly understood the meaning of the phrase "All men are arseholes"!

That may seem a generalisation- and okay; maybe it's not All men- just ninety nine percent of the ones who've fucked with Me...

And women can be bitches because they Have to be; most men just Are arseholes because they can't be anything But arseholes. I'm not a bitch Un-knowingly- I Know when I'm being bitchy- being an arsehole is just a way of life for one of these so-called 'men'.

They're not really 'men' like they think, either- hence the term 'a real man'.

Then again, if 'All men are arseholes' then a real man Is an arsehole. By definition.

The nice ones are just freaks of nature.

(NB I love most men I've met and know; just not the ones who fuck me up. So Don't take Me for a Man-Hater!)

What is Love?

2007-04-18T10:59:00.000+01:00

The desire for having a fairytale romance was ingrained in me from an early age. As soon as Sleeping Beauty was kissed by her Prince, I was sold to the idea of Happily Ever After. But many years, and a pond full of frogs later, I came to realise that there is no Prince, and if there should even be one, what the fuck would he be doing kneeling at the foot of my bed? Once I had resigned myself to that fact, the realisation that my future lay with pond life was almost a relief to me. It meant having no more unrealistic expectations.

No matter which way you look at it, frogs are frogs. They come in all shapes and sizes but they’re still frogs. I just had to choose which one I wanted to spend my life with. So my frog quest began, and I fell in love.

It never occurred to me though, that my frog would come with excess baggage. That he’d be envious of those who were bigger, or browner, or could jump further. That he’d feel contempt for his lily-pad and want to jump on a new one. That he’d have issues with our tadpoles. That he’d have a need to sulk under a bush on a regular basis. That he’d moan that the flies were too small, or that I caught a fatter one than he did. That he’d want to go off and spend time with his frog friends for days on end. And I never knew he’d be able to croak so bloody loud.

Ok, enough about frogs.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4

Bullshit.

The Corinthians lived in fucking la-la land.

Love can be impatient, love can be cruel. It does not always respect, nor consider, and it is not always fair. It is not always polite or charitable, it can be easily angered, and it always keeps records of wrongs. Love delights in revenge and rejoices with apologies. It rarely protects and rarely trusts.

What would make a sensible, intelligent woman remain in a destructive, abusive, dysfunctional relationship?

Love.

Because love always hopes… and it always perseveres.

The Buffoon's Formula For Love...

2007-04-17T22:35:00.000+01:00

If one person knew the "Formula for Love", or could express it, then there would be no need for this Blog. Aristophanes and Socrates would be passe. As would Soble and everyone else...

So What the fuck Is love?

It's Not an idyllic state. It's torture. I think that's a necessary condition of love. The anguish. If you don't feel it then there is no love. You don't feel anguish if you have no feelings for a person-whether that be mere concern, caring, feelings of a sexual nature; even anger, lust. Love is anguish- it's back and forth torment.

And if it's not- then it's Not love.

People give up on love because it's easier than the hurt. They turn their back on love,even True Love, if the hurt is too much. Love is Not lovey-dovey. It's warts and all. Fuck Romeo and Juliet. Love is accepting, or trying to at least, the other person's faults. Love is Nothing it's cracked up to be.

Trust Me. I am in love.

There are no roses- no serenading. We fuck; we don't Make Love.There are sacrifices, compromises, letdowns, broken promises and lies. There are the good times too- but the shit outweighs the good. Throw in two kids and money troubles and drug addictions and alcoholism and a lack of communication and you can still love someone. You can. I do.

It's not good looks- though of course it never hurts to be pleasing to the eye; though if you can look at someone regardless of their lack of beauty and still genuinely care then that Is love. You love somebody in spite of their faults- even if you want them to change. But even if I want him to change- or He, I- neither of us will. Love makes you stubborn. Unmalleable.

What Is love? It's different for everybody. Few women would love what I love. Love is unique. It's between two people. They have boundaries and limits. They express love differently to other couples. How do you know when you're in love? When you feel sick at the thought of losing someone. When you know it's a very real possibility that you've gone too far, or said too much, this time. When you know they are thinking that it would be easier if they didn't have to deal with You.

Call this Dependency if you like but I need someone to catch me when I'm falling flat on my face. Love is more than a game; I don't mind losing at games but I don't lose my heart easily.

Love is asking someone to prove it to you again and again. I know that sounds needy but it isn't necessarily so...

PROVE IT. That's all. Do what you say. Say what you mean. Don't hide in tricks. You are only short-changing yourself in the long run if you do.

Because you'll never know if you truly love if you are guarded. You have to be vulnerable and open to being hurt. Time and time again if needs be. That's why it lasts. That's why I'm still here. Why my Hubby is still here.

Sadly- we pass on our guarded selves to our children- but we can't be anyone else. If we were any different- we would never have loved each other in the first place.

Love is being love-sick. That's the feeling that separates love from other emotions.

I may be the Buffoon- but I'm no fool...

It's OK To Hate Men Because...

2007-03-31T09:57:00.000+01:00

Most violent crimes are committed by men
Most sexual crimes are committed by men
Most child sexual abuse crimes are committed by men
Most sexual harrassment crimes are committed by men
Most domestic abuse and battery crimes are committed by men
Most wars in this world are started by men
Most political figures, who haven't got a damn clue, are men
Their feet smell
They're selfish in bed
They're egos are bigger than their dicks
They don't know the meaning of the word 'respect'
Or 'loyalty'
Or 'honesty'
Or 'empathy'
Or 'compassion'
Or 'commitment'
In fact, they're pretty damn useless all round

They just Suck. Okay?